This Pain Has Purpose

This past month my family and I have suffered an overwhelming and indescribable amount of pain. Like many during this time, my family suffered a loss of a great man- my father.

I remember how sorrow and tears filled the room that Thursday afternoon as we said our final earthly good-byes. After 2 days of suffering, he was finally able to rest. I could hardly breathe as I took his hand one last time and held on waiting for him to squeeze back- hoping he would. This isn’t my first loss, but it is the hardest. To this day, I still am not able to process his loss. It feels like he is on vacation, down in Florida or out to grab groceries- about to walk through the door and say “hello my dears!”. The most selfless man I know, was selfless until the end. My father saved three lives that day, he was an organ donor and gave his two kidneys and his liver.

That Thursday afternoon, my mother was also rushed downstairs to the emergency room and was diagnosed with two masses in her brain. Two days later at 7am she was taken into brain surgery. The strongest woman I knew, was diagnosed with stage four terminal brain cancer. Our hearts grew heavier than we had ever imagined, within the span on 24 hours, our lives have changed forever. My sister and I didn’t know what home felt like anymore, for over a week we slept in hospital chairs and took turns sleeping in the hospital bed with our mother.

COVID-19 quarantine hadn’t been put into full affect until after our mother was discharged from the hospital later that week. Kendall and I weren’t fully up to date with what exactly was happening and how the world was in a state of emergency, but we started to feel the full affects of it as we transitioned back home. Quarantine affected the funeral arrangements, the official documents for my fathers passing, my mothers treatment plan and how we grieve as a family. Instead of friends and family coming over, we had sidewalk and FaceTime condolences. Putting my father to rest will be months from now and having to see my mother brave terminal cancer treatments after the loss of her husband alone is heartbreaking.

My sister and I were fortunate and grew up in a loving and selfless household, witnessed a beautiful marriage and had a two pillars of strength and support. We were made strong through the love they poured into us, the values they taught us and through the grace and love of God that filled our home. I often ask and wonder why my family and I are going through this season of sorrow, loss and grief but then I remember that our pain has a purpose. Although we may not be able to realize what that purpose is, I take comfort in trusting in God and knowing that He will use this pain for our good. It may take a day, week, month or year but through this pain our hearts are softened.

To suffer is a blessing because we become receptive of his love and word. Our valleys and seasons of suffering can be counted as the opposite, because God is preserving our faith in Him. The testing of our faith produces steadfastness and if we are receptive of it, we may be made perfect and complete- lacking in nothing. My faith has provided true hope for the hurting in my life, there is comfort knowing that this is temporary. My suffering will not last forever, but it produces and strengthens character by leaning on Him and setting my sights higher than what this earth is able to produce.